Sitting Next To Dad

There's really not a day that goes by where my dad doesn't cross my mind several times throughout the day. There are many things that trigger my thoughts of him, but today was just a funny experience I had with an elderly man and something that would have happened between my dad and me. Remember "Mr. Happy Fingers"?

Today was our third day working out at the gym. I did the 30 minute express with Bruce and then we each moved on to different activities. After working on some of the upper body machines I moved over to the bicycles. The way they have things set up is several bicycles all in a row with tv's up above for all to view, each one on different stations. You plug in your earphones, set your box to the station you want and you can enjoy a little tv or even radio while you work out. While I pedaled my little feet away, I watched all the political mambo-jumbo on FOX News. In my own little world, I was taken off guard by an elderly gentleman that had taken the bicycle next to mine and gently tapped me on the shoulder. Our experience went like this:
~~~~~~
Him: My tv won't work.
Me: You have to keep your machine going or it'll cut off.
Him: Oh. (tries vigorously to get both feet in the foot straps.)
Me: (Stops pedaling to help.)
Him: Thank you.
Me: You're very welcome! (Pedaling....pedaling.... resets tv settings.... feels tap on my shoulder.)
Him: (pedaling) The tv still isn't working.
Me: (noticing his earphones in his hand...) You have to plug your earphones into the box.
Him: OH! (plugs in earphones, still pedaling)
Me: (Pedaling....pedaling.... feels another tap on my shoulder.)
Him: I think there's something wrong with it.
Me: Did you push the power button? It's that one right there.
Him: (Stops pedaling to look...pushes button) No, it's still not coming on.
Me: You have to be pedaling.
Him (Pedals... pushes button...) There it is!
Me: All right!
We pedal and watch Fox News together and all was, once again, well in bicycle world. :)
~~~~~~
As we sat there pedaling and "watching" the news I couldn't help but think of how this situation would have happened with my dad and I got a little tickled. I never did get the elderly man's name, but I plan to next time I see him. Sitting next to him was just like sitting next to dad.

Shopping, Ladies Meeting, and One Year of Loss

How much do you love me, mom?
"I LOVE YOU A WHOLE WORLD FULL, KRISTI!"
Isn't she sweeeet?


Ten of us went on a shopping trip/ladies conference this weekend. We had such a good time. There was a lot of laughing, tears, and learning on this trip. I needed it so much and so glad I went!

There was a lot of shopping too. I only went shopping twice. And the first time I wasn't really into it. Just kind of window shopping. But I did kind of get into the second trip. First stop was Old Navy and let's just say Hannah and I are stocked up on flip flops for next summer. Every color they had.

The ladies meeting was this morning (Saturday.) We went to hear Mrs. Kyla Rowland. I had never seen or heard her, but had an image in my head of her. She was nothing like my image. LOL She was tall, a lot younger than what I had thought, VERY SOUTHERN, absolutely hilarious, and she was a really good speaker.

I hope we get to hear her again some day.

~~~~~

Had a session with a sweet family Thursday morning. I don't know about them, but I had so much fun with them. They are funny, funny people! And their little boy is a RIOT! Let me just say he is every bit his two years old, also. LOL

The blue dress shirt he's wearing in the picture below is his daddy's. The plan is for him to have his picture taken every year on his birthday in that shirt until he grows into it or grows out of it. Sweet idea. His daddy is a preacher and that's his pocket Bible he's holding.

Had a great time!

~~~~~

Today is the one year anniversary of my dad meeting His Lord. I mentioned it on facebook and this was one of the replies written. They were all precious to me, and I appreciated them all so much, but because of the friendship we have with this person and because of what they meant to my dad, it was so sweet, I had to share it. I hope they don't mind:

Can you imagine what his first year in heaven was like?

Perhaps it was just as a moment ago when death's river was crossed and he saw the celestial city. Perhaps he is still standing there just beholding it all, since this is the land where time shall be no more. Perhaps he just considered, in this land that is fairer than day, I can't wait for Poopsie and the family to get here.

Heaven's perspective is one we don't fully know. But, the moment when his faith became sight must have been amazing.

He could never have imagined what joy God's presence would bring. He now knows, "eye hath not seen, nor ear heard, neither hath entered into the heart of man the things God hath prepared for those who love him."

The body he now has, feels no pain. The strength he stands with surpasses all he last knew here. Just a moment ago he closed his eyes on this side of eternity's veil. He's had a moment to blink and the year on this side of the veil passed.

My father's death, 20 years ago, taught me the only loss in death is for the living who remain.

My sister, I mourn your Dad's absence. I miss his influence as he was a grandfather to my son. Yet, I now look for his fingerprint at church when I am there. I see Larry Birt's finger prints on Justin playing in the orchestra. I see it when Justin tips his head back and the trumpet rises at an angle and he blows with gusto. I see your Dad's fingerprints when the boys from his class walk by my row and I think they'll always have the privilege to say,"Brother Birt was my SS teacher when I was a boy." The world is a better place because of your Dad. I am a better man having known your father.

Today, I will listen to this song many times over and know my friend, "Pop Birt" to my son, Poopsie's husband, and Kristi's dad is finally home.

Finally Home
When alarmed by the fury of the restless sea,
Towering waves before you roll,
At the end of doubt and peril is eternity,
Though fear and conflict seize your soul

Just think of stepping on shore, and finding it heaven
Of touching a hand, and finding it God's
Of breathing new air, and finding it celestial
Of waking up in Glory, and finding it "Home"

When surrounded by the blackness of the darkest night,
Oh how lonely death can be,
At the end this long tunnel is a shinning light,
For death is swallowed-up in Victory, (Victory!)

Just think of stepping on shore, and finding it heaven
Of touching a hand, and finding it God's
Of breathing new air, and finding it celestial
Of waking up in Glory, and finding it "Home"
Finally Home!
...by Don Wyrtzen

Comment Season Is Now Open

Now that summer is pretty well over and things are settling down around here, I've enabled comments and hope to hear from you soon.
There has been so much that I haven't gotten to blog about!! I admit I've missed it. I hope I can get back into the swing of things.
We took our youth group to a camp ground the first few days of last week and had our own camp meeting with them. Spencer preached the first day, and Pastor preached the second. The services were sweet and we had a great time. The more Spencer preaches, the more he sounds like his dad. It's just amazing. What a blessing it was to hear him!

We spent one day at Dollywood. Bruce and I were playing it safe until after we ate supper at Aunt Granny's. Then we went straight to the Thunderhead roller coaster. What was I thinking? Never eat a meal and then board a roller coaster. That is so not a good idea!!

We had two families join our church today. That was a blessing. I'm looking forward to getting to know one family better and just slap happy that the other family has come back home. We've been seeing a lot of that this year and it's been good to see those familiar faces we've missed seeing, come walking through the doors. Welcome home S&U!! :)

Today would have been my dad's 66th birthday. To be honest, I've tried not to think about the dates in this month. Just taking each day as it came, never noticing the calendar. So when Mrs. Janet stood next to me in the choir and said, "Ain't today your daddy's birthday?" It dawned on me that, yes, it is. And of course a few tears snuck out. My heart breaks, but it also rejoices in the fact that daddy is celebrating more today than he ever had to celebrate here.

We had two wonderful services today. In between those services I ended up going shopping with Harrison. Somewhere between last Sunday and this Sunday he grew out of this dress pants. The boy has gone up three pant sizes this summer. It's crazy! Just one of those things, huh?

I can't stop yawning so I guess I'll turn in for the day. I hope each of you had a wonderful day with the Lord!!

Happy Father's Day, Dad

On this Father's Day someone is missing, from our earthly life. But something else that's missing is his sorrow and his strife.
When he left us on earth we were crying. Our heart was broken in two. But as he walked thru the gates of Heaven, A cheer went up, it's true.

And although we'd like to hug him, and hold him in our arms, He's in the arms of Jesus safe from sorrow and alarm.

And now our home seems empty, but, he's home on Heaven's shore. And we miss his smile but somehow we know, it's brighter than before.

We truly, truly miss him; since from this earth he's gone. But deep in our hearts you can be sure his memory still lives on.

And although we'd like to see him, I'm sure if he could he would say, "I'm with my Heavenly Father." It's a special Father's Day.

Veni, Vidi, Vici

I came, I saw, I conquered.

My brother in law had this posted on his facebook status. When I asked him what brought on that quote he said nothing, really, it just popped into his head. Little did either of us know that this Latin quote, added to the sermon I heard tonight at church would be a remedy for my heart sick self.

Here I am in a new year and what will it bring? A Valentine's Day where my dad will not show up on my front porch with a little box of chocolates or a card the size of a poster board. Birthday parties where my dad will no longer take part in the smiles and laughter of the celebration. The grill that my dad would fire up for patriotic celebrations or other parties will go unlit. My children will not receive a call from my dad to run to Grover for gas and an RC cola. This is how I am seeing my new year.

Right now I'm still trying to conquer everything that happened last year. More precisely, everything that happened between October first and October fifth, when my personal hero went home to be with Jesus. Has it only been three months? It seems like an eternity since I heard his voice.

My heart breaks new every morning. Tears fall off and on through the days. Sometimes when I least expect it I will find myself wiping tears. Sometimes they fall with no warning and sometimes with an uncontrollable sting, giving warning of their presence.

But it's all good. At least that's what I keep telling myself. Someone mentioned to me not long ago that tears are God's way of helping to wash the pain away. If that is true, I have many tears that have not yet fallen.

For the most part, my heart is at peace knowing where my dad is and that the legacy he left behind will touch lives for a very long time. But for the other part...the lesser part, if you will...my heart aches beyond what any words can describe.

I feel that I have shut down some of my emotion. I find myself quieter than usual these days. More contemplative.

I want to come into the year, 2011, and see the many opportunities the Lord has in store for me, both physically and spiritually. And I want to conquer the pain that has taken up residence in the very depths of my heart.

But how?

Brother Johnny preached tonight and the verses he used were not just for the sermon he preached, but for what I have been going through. And Christ used those verses to open my eyes to get through this coming year and to conquer. I was raised in a Christian home. I know I must lean on the Savior. But sometimes when we are in the darkest valley, we need to be reminded how to get through that dark and lonely valley.

Philippians 4:13, "I can do all things through Christ which strengtheneth me." I can face each new day knowing that God is walking in front of me. He created my valley and He knows the way out. All I have to do is follow Him. And as we walk through the valley together, He will continually fill me up with His strength. I can not walk it without Him.

Romans 8:37, "..in all these things, we are more than conquerors through Him that loved us." God loved me long before my daddy did. And, though it almost seems impossible for me to believe, God truly does love me more than my daddy ever did. And because of that love for me, I can conquer this pain I feel and triumphantly rise to the very top of the mountain that overshadows this valley. My valley.

Sometime in 2011, I will be able to say, "I came, I saw, I conquered....by the grace of God!"

A Different Family Christmas

Daddy always looked forward to Christmas Eve. I think it was his most favorite night of the year. He was always ready to celebrate the birth of Christ with lots of good food, laughter, and making memories that will truly last a lifetime. I think he started looking forward to the next Christmas Eve on Christmas morning.

This year we celebrated without him. Although celebrating the birth of our Lord and Savior is what it is all about, I couldn't help but think of my daddy all evening.

I've been sick with a terrible head cold and really just wanted to stay in bed but pushed myself to get the house together and get ready for my side of the family's get together. I was deeply thankful for my children and husband that pitched in and did more than their share to help get things ready.

I had cried off and on all day Christmas Eve. I just kept thinking of little things daddy did to make Christmas Eve special. How his face would light up when he walked into the house over here, or when we all walked into the house over there. He always wore this funny little Santa hat that was battery powered. The top would go from side to side and he thought that was hilarious. He came up with games that had us all on pins and needles, hoping to win some really good prizes. And there was always something special under the tree for me that he would pick out himself because "....daddy knows what his Bunny likes." My nickname was Bunny Rabbit. Sometimes it was B Rabbit or just Bunny, or just Rabbit. Whatever came to mind first. I have no idea when he came up with that, only that he called me that for as long as I can remember.

Anyway, the mood in the air was just different. It was good being with mom and my brother and his family. But it was just different. I suppose it will never be the same. Which makes me want to work harder next year to make it as special as he would have wanted to make it for all of us.

I've missed him terribly the last week or so. Today we drove by the graveyard where he is buried and looking over his way sent a pain through my chest like I had been hit with something. I had no control over my emotion and just had to let it out. My sweet husband is so understanding and tender of my feelings. I'm thankful for him and glad he was the one driving!

It was certainly a different Christmas for us, but it was a different Christmas for him too. While we were celebrating the birth of the Savior without daddy here, daddy was there celebrating and worshiping at the Savior's feet. Although I miss him so very much and wish everyday that I could hear his voice or see his smile, I can't imagine him wanting to be anywhere than where he is right now. I take comfort in knowing that I will join him one day. One fine day. And we will all enjoy another and very different family Christmas.

Tags, Titles, and Tears

My dad left me his truck. I went to the tag office today to do the title transfer and turn in the old tag. I have mixed feelings about it. He told me he was going to give it to me months ago, but I just never really pondered it.....until recently. Bruce had gone yesterday to do all of this but they wouldn't do it since the title was in my name and I wasn't there with proof of ID, so I went and did it myself. You wouldn't think something like that would be an emotional experience, but it was for me. As I walked out of the tag office, I was suddenly struck with a deep pain of sadness. He loved his little truck. He loved taking his dog, Dolly, around town in it. I remember when he got it and how happy he was. I walked to my car and had a good little cry. It's nice to have my own truck, but I'd give it back, and anything else, to have my daddy here instead. Although, that would be quite selfish of me, seeing he is enjoying the riches of Heaven and sitting at the Savior's feet. Given the opportunity to choose coming back here or staying there, I have no doubt what his answer would be.

After my little crying spell, I went to scope out some places for my first bridal shoot I'm doing this weekend. I'm really excited and nervous at the same time. I have some ideas. I just hope they pan out. It's one thing to see it in your mind's eye, and a total other thing to see it through the eye of the camera. I won't be able to share any of the pics until next month though. We don't want the groom to have a peek at the gown until after the big day. Or anyone else, for that matter.

I walked out of here today with my crock pot filled with water and spices for my pot roast, but forgot to put the roast in. I've been like that all week!! I'll admit I've had pizza on the brain. Maybe it's Freudian? haha

Gonna clean things up around here and get ready for church tonight. Looking forward to Wednesday night prayer meeting.

The Fifth Hurdle

Thank you, Amanda, for taking these pictures.

I slept amazingly well Monday night. I realize that it does not matter what your trial is, when you spend time alone with God and allow Him to comfort you, He will bless you through your night. Both the physical night and the spiritual night.

I woke up around 6:00 am Tuesday morning with thoughts on my mind about what I could say at the funeral about my dad. Mom had asked if I wanted to say anything and my initial reaction was no. Followed by the fear of breaking down in front of everyone. But I decided to, at least, write out what I might want to say. Just in case. When I was finished I printed it off, folded it neatly, and tucked it away in my purse. I did not tell anyone for fear it would lock me in, in having to actually stand up and say something.

I think I went back to bed after that. To be honest, I can't remember. That day, as well as the days before, is much of a blur. But I do remember cleaning up the house a bit, ironing clothes for the funeral, packing extra clothes for mom's house. Anything, really, to keep me busy and my mind off of the day's events. As I was getting dressed the phone rang and it was my friend, Amy, in West Virginia. It was so good to hear her voice and her words of comfort. To know that she was grieving with our family and praying for us. She called at a time when I really did not want to talk. But when I got off the phone with her I knew that things were going to be all right.

Today was the last hurdle. It looked a mile high compared to the others.

Two things my daddy did not like was, being cold and in the dark. The fall weather was trying to come in and the last couple of days had been cold. All I could think about was how in the world will I be able to leave him alone there at the cemetery today? The service would not be near as bad as leaving him there. It was cold outside and it would be dark. I kept reminding myself that what I would be leaving behind was only a shell of what used to be. That daddy was experiencing the warmth of the Father and the Light of His Son now. What a comforting thought for me!

As I waited in the car with the children for Bruce to lock up the house I saw him step out on the porch and then back in he went. He must have forgotten something. He came back out just a few seconds later, locked up the house, and got in the car. He buckled up and then he pulled my iPod out and plugged into the car stereo. He never messes with my iPod, but he did that day. He turned it on and had it playing He Gives Grace. Although I had not talked about the song with him, at least I don't recall talking about it with him, it touched my heart that he knew how much it had helped me and that he would have it playing for me as we drove away to the service.

Thank you, Bruce. You will never know how that touched me. Your gentleness and loving kindness through this most tragic event in my life, has been a rock for me. And I love you.

The church fed our family at the fellowship building before the service. I really was not up to eating anything. Aunts and Uncles and cousins seemed to be enjoying the food and fellowship. All I could think about was the service ahead of us.

We finished eating, drove back to the church, and had our final viewing of daddy before they closed his casket. I stood there next to my mother. We were both weeping, his "Poopsie" as he had called her for as long as they had been married, and his "B Rabbit", which is what he called me for as long as I can remember. We had one last look. One last touch. One last kiss.

As our family sat in a Sunday school room and waited until the service was to start, I can't remember what all was being said, I just remember it was idle chit chat to me. It would fall silent for a minute and then someone would whisper or say something out loud. I was still thinking about the papers in my purse. Still unsure of whether or not I could get up and say anything. And as we were lined up in the hall waiting for the funeral directors to seat us, my insides began to quake. No matter how hard I tried to hold them in, the tears were just too strong for me. No. I decided I would not stand up and say anything. I would just let John do it. When we were seated, though, something happened.

God showed up.

An amazing rush of peace filled me up on the inside. We stood to sing one of daddy's favorite hymns. I could almost hear his voice behind me singing tenor parts. Remember my friend, Amy, in West Virginia? Her husband, Brother Mark, had flown in for the funeral and got up to speak. Mom had asked him to sit with her. Daddy loved him so. He loved their whole family. I was glad he took part in the service!

And then Justin got up to sing. It was very difficult for him, but he found that same grace that had been sheltering me and as he played his guitar and sang Oh, Rejoice in the Lord, I could not bring myself to do anything other than just that. Rejoice. My dad was seeing and experiencing things he had preached and told about for years. His faith had become sight. How could I not rejoice?

I am sorry I can not remember the exact order of the service, but Pastor did ask John and I if we wanted to come up and say something about our dad. John stood up and suggested we go together. Which was quite all right by me! I had fully intended on dragging Bruce up there. Bless his heart, he would have been so surprised by that, because he had no idea I was even going to say anything until I stood up. But John suggested we go together and so we did. He said what was on his heart. I said what was on mine. And God carried us both through it just fine. Was I surprised? Yes, I was. I do not know why I was surprised. He helped the children of Israel walk across dry land, kept the Hebrew children safe in the fiery furnace, closed the lion's mouth when Daniel was thrown into the den...and yet He never ceases to amaze me.

Brother Johnny spoke. The Lord used his words to bring even more peace to my heart. God just kept giving it and giving it. I'm thankful for Brother Johnny Owens. He is a wonderful associate Pastor and he has the touch of God on him, let me tell you! Justin sang again with the Sons of Faith, I'm Gonna Drop My Anchor. It was one of daddy's favorite songs. He loved to hear those boys sing it.

And then Pastor Goodman got up. I knew when he stepped behind the pulpit it would be good. It always is. I have never known anyone to be as down to earth and as personal to the family, as Pastor is during a funeral. He gets on your level. God always gives him just the right words to say.

Well, while he preached I felt like we had done gone to meetin'! I was feeling the Holy Ghost all over me. After he was through preaching, Tradition got up to sing another of daddy's favorite songs, I Am Redeemed. I could not thank the Lord enough that my daddy had been redeemed, blood bought, and in Heaven! The church was packed and it broke out into a shout! Everyone standing to their feet, praising the Lord. Hallelujah!

We ended the service with two more songs. Tradition singing, When I Wake Up and a congregational, Victory In Jesus.

It was a praise and shouting kind of service that daddy would have been pleased to be in. I believe in my heart that God allowed him a glimpse of his home going service. I could just see him leaning down and smiling as he watched us.

The graveside service wasn't so bad after that. There were Gaston County Police officers that carried him to the graveside. Two Air Force men that folded his flag. Justin playing Taps on the trumpet. And a last and final word of prayer by Brother Johnny.

My mind did not see him in a casket. It saw him standing next to the Savior. His Savior. His Redeemer. His friend. My friend. My mind saw him with the many others gone on before. Those that are the blood washed, the redeemed!

The last hurdle that seemed a mile high that morning, became smaller and smaller the closer I came to it. And suddenly I realized that I did not have to jump over the hurdle, because the Lord was carrying me over it. In my weakness, He is strong. When I can not go on, He carries me through.

I'll close out these posts with daddy's life verse. A constant reminder that He is ever present and able to see us through our most trying times.

Isaiah 41:10 "Fear thou not, for I am with thee. Be not dismayed, for I am
thy God. I will strengthen thee, yea, I will help thee, yea, I will uphold
thee with the right hand of my righteousness."

The Fourth Hurdle

We met with Tammy Greene at 9:00 Monday morning. This was going to be a long day. Turning in the pictures and daddy's honorable discharge papers at 9:00, a private viewing at 3:00, and receiving friends at 6:00. The day was going by quickly. I'm thankful to the Lord for that.

The next hurdle for me was the private viewing. Seeing my daddy for the first time in his pretty peach shirt and tie. His cream colored blazer. And his casket.

I was pensive on the ride there. The voices of my children in the back seat of the car was like a trumpet blaring in my ears. I wanted them to be quiet. But I knew their spirits were just as low as mine and they were probably feeling a little bit of what I was feeling too.

We entered the funeral home and I knew daddy was just beyond a set of doors in the parlor just a few feet away. Part of me wanted to run to him. The other knew I needed to wait on mom and daddy's sister, Janice. So we waited. For the first time in days the time had slowed to an unbearable pace. It seemed as though they would never get there. But they did. And we all went in together. Mom leading the way through tears.

Aunt Janice is from out of town. The last time she saw daddy was a few months back. She wasn't prepared to see him like this. Her sobs rang out and she fell to the floor. Bruce and I tried to keep her from falling backwards, but allowed her to get it out until she was ready to stand back up.

When she did stand up we stood over daddy and he looked as peaceful and rested as he did on Thursday when we saw him at the hospital. His peach shirt and tie and his cream colored blazer looked so nice on him. He was just as handsome this day as he was on Easter Sunday.

They took daddy from the private viewing to the church for the receiving of friends. He would have wanted to be in his church. He loved his church. He loved working with his fifth and sixth grade boy's Sunday school class. He loved playing his trumpet in the orchestra. He loved preaching for the Cottage Prayer Meeting. He was happy serving the Lord! And he was happy serving at Faith!

I thought it would be difficult for me to get through the night. Three and a half hours, of shaking hands, hugging, talking, and awkward silences. But as I told many people, God was pouring out his grace by the buckets. It was good shaking hands and hugging those that came out to pay their respects to one of the greatest, sweetest, and godliest men I knew. Hearing funny stories and the nice things that were said about him was very comforting. As for the awkward silences, I don't remember any.

When it was all said and done, a few of the grandchildren had a burst of tears. It was very hard on them emotionally, as it was for all of us.

We stood in the foyer and watched the picture DVD of daddy. We smiled and laughed through tears and then it was finally time to go home.

The ride home was somber. I just kept taking in deep breaths. The pain my heart was experiencing was almost more than I could bear.

I wanted to go home. I needed my time alone with God again. That time has been precious. It has never been as precious to me in the past as it has been within the recent days. I suppose it is because He has made Himself so real and so evident to me. He knew me much more than I knew Him. He knew exactly what I needed during those minutes and hours of desperation, when even I, myself, had no idea what I needed. He saw to it that I would receive all the strength and mercy from Him that His hands could possibly give.

And so after my time with him, I would listen to "my song." He Gives Grace. Yes, He gives grace. And He has given it in abundance!

The Third Hurdle

Sunday came quite early for me. I did not sleep most of Saturday night. I wanted to go to church but was dreading the sorrowful looks, the questions, and yes, even the hugs. I thought maybe I could come in discreetly. Hide somewhere and come into the service late. But it just did not work out that way. And that is OK because people were grieving just like me. They were his friends. They were his family. They were hurting too. The family of God had lost one of their precious own. It was time to begin healing together.

I can not say that I remember what the service was about. I just remember it being over and the next hurdle was now in sight. We would be on our way to the funeral home to make arrangements.

Mom and Aunt Janice, John and Jenny, and Bruce and I sat down with Tammy, the funeral director, and discussed all the details. The obituary, the picture CD, the memorial book markers, etc. Once again it seemed as though everything was running together. I was trying to keep a strong head and focus, but the time seemed to be flying again. I felt as though my brain and my body could not keep up with each other. And to beat all, I was given an assignment. A few, actually. Finding a picture for the obituary, retrieving daddy's discharge papers, and finding fifty pictures for the CD that would be played while we were receiving friends. Fifty pictures? Really? How do you choose just fifty when all of them remind you of a happy moment?

We rushed home and I found the picture for the obituary, made a list of music for Mrs. Janet to copy to a CD for me for the DVD, and then off to church again. The evening service was sweet. I still can not tell you what all was said and done, but I do remember people praying for me and with me.

When I got home I started looking for the fifty pictures. Should be easy enough, right? Nope. I became a nervous wreck when I realized that all of my pictures included daddy by himself, or with me and my children and mom. Where the pictures with my nieces and nephews? My sister in law? My Aunt? His friends? Where were they all? My task had suddenly taken a different avenue and there were road blocks along the way. I tried my best to get in touch with my brother for pictures he might have. But to no avail. I felt myself becoming increasingly agitated. Bruce helped me to find some good ones and I was so happy. It was 2:00 am when we finally had things together for the funeral home.

I'll admit I was feeling a little snippy by the time we were finished. Bruce, however, kept a sweet spirit about him. He's been wonderful through all of this. I'm so glad God blessed me with such a sweet and loving husband.

When I turned in for the next few hours of sleep, I prayed for my family and for myself. I slipped my earphones in, put my iPod on repeat, and listened to He Gives Grace until I finally fell asleep. I can not explain the comfort these words have given me each night since my daddy's passing. A constant reminder that God can, and has, and will continue, to give me grace through this.

~~~~~~~~

Sometimes problems seem so big
they hide the light of day
Sometimes pain cuts so deep
I can't find the words to pray
Sometimes heartache seems to be
much more than I can stand
That's when grace seems to take me
by the hand

~~~~~~~~
~~~~~~~~

He gives grace, in the midst of every storm
God gives grace, that carries the weary and worn
He's everything we ever need, for everything we face
So remember, when it seems you can't go on,
God gives grace

~~~~~~~~
~~~~~~~~

I know every pain I feel,
becomes His very own
God knows the weakness of my heart
that I can't make it all alone
For He knows what I can handle
and he never gives me more
When my strength comes to its end,
he has more grace in store

~~~~~~~~
~~~~~~~~

He gives grace, in the midst of every storm
God gives grace, that carries the weary and worn
He's everything we ever need for everything we face
so remember when it seems you can't go on, God gives grace

~~~~~~~~
~~~~~~~~

Grace will help you stand, when problems seem so tall
And grace will pick you up every time you fall

~~~~~~~~
~~~~~~~~

He gives grace, in the midst of every storm
God gives grace, that carries the weary and worn
He's everything we ever need, for everything we face,
so remember when it seems you can't go on,
God gives grace

~~~~~~~~
~~~~~~~~

Just remember, when it seems you can't go on,
God gives grace

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The First Hurdle

The Second Hurdle

The Second Hurdle

As we drove home from the hospital, the trip seemed much longer than the days before. At one time I looked up and honestly did not recognize anything around me. Even though I had driven that road many times before, everything seemed unfamiliar. I even wondered if I had taken a wrong turn somewhere. I had not eaten all day and felt my body had no strength at all. Like I might collapse at any moment. Bruce had told me to meet him at the Hillbilly's BBQ in Belmont. So I did. Daddy loved that place. It was one of his favorites. I should not have gone. I was an emotional mess. But sitting there actually helped a little. It was away from the hospital, away from daddy's house, away from my house, just a place to *breathe* and *regroup*, if I actually did that. I wasn't sure my legs were going to make this second hurdle. Bruce and I decided not to tell Hannah and Harrison until we could see them in person. So as I drove on to mom's house, Bruce came home to tell them. Mrs. Janet was busy in mom's kitchen, Mrs. Ava was bringing in some groceries she thought the family might need, and I was in a daze. I knew I needed to clean, but was not sure where to start. I just could not think clearly yet. Then Bruce showed up with Hannah and Harrison. Their little hearts were broken. "Big H" as daddy called him leaned into my arms and fell to pieces. Hannah, who never shows her emotions publicly, could not hold back her tears. How do you mend little broken hearts? We sat on the love seat and just held each other for a while. I cleaned here and there and then decided I did not want to clean anything else. I would do it in the morning. Friday night I laid in bed with my iPod. The song I played over and over was He Gives Grace. The words were so fitting for how I was feeling and such a reminder of what God will give us during times like these. I prayed that God would give me that grace and give it in abundance! I listened to it over and over again and every night through this whole ordeal. It was in those late night hours when the hustling and bustling of the day were over and I was alone to spend time with my Heavenly Father, that I was comforted the most. No questions were being asked, no stories were being told, no phones ringing, no doors to answer, no decisions to be made...just me and the Lord, His loving arms of comfort, and reminders of promises in His Word. When I got to mom's Saturday morning she had daddy's outfit laid on the bed ready to take to the funeral home. As I walked into the bedroom and saw his shirt, pants and blazer there, I began to cry again. He loved to dress up! Even during the church's Easter Parade he would walk across the platform to sport off his outfit. He was hilarious. He looked so handsome in his peach shirt mom bought him for Easter. I thought he was very handsome every time I saw him in it and asked mom could we put him in that for the funeral. She agreed and I am so glad she did. Mom's sister came and took her shopping to buy a new outfit for the funeral. While she and Hannah were with Aunt Jo Jo, I cleaned. It was good for me to be in the house alone. Many memories flooded my mind in each room of the house. He sure did love his home and he loved it when his family was around him there. John showed up and I was relieved when he did. I was feeling somewhat overwhelmed and really did not want to be there by myself any longer. Mom said that we would be meeting with the funeral director on Sunday afternoon. Not something I was ready to do. But then who is? Getting through Saturday was easy compared to the days ahead of us. Although Saturday is somewhat of a blur to me. It seemed as though time was flying. One minute it was morning and the next it was almost midnight. The people, the food, the talks...it just all seemed to run through each other. We had planned on going to church Sunday morning and then to the funeral home to make the arrangements Sunday afternoon. I was not sure God could get me through the next day ahead. When it was time for bed Saturday night, I was ready, once again, for that time alone with God that I so desperately needed.

The First Hurdle

I've received some emails from blog readers asking how daddy passed away so I'll be sharing some posts on his home going over the next few days....

1 Corinthians 9:24 "Know ye not that they which run in a race run all, but one receiveth the prize? So run, that ye may obtain."

I feel as though I have been running a race, each day a different hurdle. The next one harder to get over than the last. Keeping my eyes on the prize ahead of me, which is to finish the race and fall into the arms of God. Daddy's testimony, as I know and have heard others testify, was that of someone who never gave up. Someone that would not quit. So I keep my focus on the hurdle of each day, hearing those in the stands and on the sidelines cheering me on to the next. Running next to my other family members as they run this same race with me. Each of us with a different goal. A different performance. I want my race to be finished with an attitude of praise. An attitude of thankfulness.

Daddy fell at home Thursday, September twenty-sixth. Mom was working at the church so he was home alone. He called Justin who came over and checked things out, helped him put some things back up on the wall that he had knocked off when he fell, and everything seemed ok. He was not sure what had happened though. He could not remember if he passed out, just fell, or what had happened. He only remembered waking up and finding himself in the floor.

Mom took him to dialysis Friday morning. When she got him home later that morning, he could barely walk into the house. He was a little confused about some things and did not eat all day. He just sat in his chair through the day and into the evening.

Mom was in her bedroom that night and heard a thud. So she went into the living room to find daddy sitting on the floor. She asked him if he had fallen and he shook his head yes. She could not get him up and he could not get up on his own so she called me. Justin and I went right over. When I saw daddy laying on the floor I asked him did he fall and he shook his head and smiled. His smile was like that of a small child. There was something in his eyes that told me there was something wrong. So I told mom she should call 911.

She did call and from there they took him to our local hospital. They would keep asking him questions like "What's your name?" "Why are you here?" "How old are you?"....etc. He answered them correctly but sometimes was confused. They did a CT and found that there was bleeding on the brain and decided to send him by ambulance to Carolina's Medical in Charlotte. The second CT showed considerable bleeding and they ended up air lifting him instead of taking him by ambulance.

The next days following we saw him gradually become worse. Although his CTs were saying the bleeding on the brain was absorbing back into the body, he was beginning to have seizures, his blood pressure was up and down, and his respiratory was up and down. The seizure medications were keeping him out and sedated so after a few days he never would wake up.

Mom was going in the mornings and staying until after noon so she could speak to the doctor each day. He had gone a couple of days without seizures and our only concerns, at least mine, were his blood pressure and waiting for him to come to from the seizure medications. I knew that with the seizures he had been having he may need speech therapy. I was really thinking to the weeks ahead and I felt he would come home soon. After all, the doctors seemed optimistic about it.

On Friday, October first, I had talked mom into sleeping in a little bit. My brother and I went to the hospital and as soon as I saw him I knew daddy would not be going home. Just the day before he looked peaceful and well rested. But that morning he looked as though he had labored all night. I knew in my heart that death was coming but was afraid to speak my thoughts aloud. I began to cry. John comforted me. And then our pastor's wife came in. She stayed for a few minutes, prayed with me, loved on me, and then left. I called mom and told her she might want to come on up. That daddy did not look as well as he had the day before. She said she would be there in a little bit.

While John and I stood at the foot of daddy's bed and talked, John noticed that his respiration had dropped to zero. He had stopped breathing. The nurse came in and John mentioned it to her. She said, "Yes, I know, could you please step out of the room for a minute?" So we stepped out into the waiting area.

I knew I needed and wanted to pray, but I was not sure what words to say. The only words I could pray were "Thy will be done...Thy will be done...Thy will be done..." I said them over and over and over again. The more that I said them the more peace filled my heart.

They moved us to a private room and asked if we would like to go back to check on things for ourselves. I went for a minute and saw that there were fifteen to twenty people in the room. All of them working on daddy. One little nurse was on top of him giving him chest compressions. The others doing their job to assist. I don't know why I went back there.

I walked back to the private room where my nephew and his mom and John were. We waited for the doctors, made some calls, waited for mom.

Finally the doctor came in and said that they had done all they could, but daddy just never responded. They worked on him for thirty minutes. He said that they don't know why he stopped breathing. They just could not explain it.

But daddy had been a sick man for a very long time. I believe his little body just could not handle anymore. It was his time to go and God, in His infinite wisdom, took him.

When I walked back into his hospital room, I was by myself with the nurse. I do not remember looking at daddy. I just remember laying myself over his chest and crying. Sobbing. There was nothing that could console this daddy's girl. Oh my sweet, little daddy. I wanted so desperately for his hand to move or to hear him speak. But no. He just laid there. Lifeless. Literally lifeless.

John came in with Mikey. They had their cry too. Then Brother Johnny, our associate pastor, came in. Not much longer, he received a call that Mrs. Janet was bringing mom up to the hospital. Mrs. Janet decided not to tell mom that daddy had passed. She felt it would be best to tell her when she came to the ICU. Oh how I dreaded telling her!

As we stood in the hall, I could see mom beyond the ICU doors. She stood there waiting for the doors to open. When they did finally open our eyes met. She knew that something was wrong. I could not get the words out. John could not get the words out. So Brother Johnny told her that daddy had gone to Heaven. Her knees buckled and she began to cry. My poor mommy's sweet hubby was gone.

She walked into the room, threw her hands into the air and began thanking God for such a wonderful husband and for forty five years of marriage. She rubbed his face and kissed him. We stayed with him for a while and then Mrs. Janet took mom home while I waited on Bruce to get there.

When he got there we cried some more. The first hurdle was saying goodbye and going home. Home without my daddy.

In Loving Memory...

Aug 14, 1945 - Oct 1, 2010

On My Heart This Morning...

You Hear Me When I Pray

There've been times, in my life
facing so much fear and strife,
not knowing just what's best to do

That's when I needed You the most,
that's when I found You so close
assuring me that You'd see me through

If I but fall upon my knees
You'd hear my desperate plea
assuring me the answers on the way

For in my hour of deep despair,
I call on You, You're always there
it's good to know You hear me when I pray

Many times I've searched high and low
not knowing which way to go
Satan tries confusing me more

But then a voice so tenderly
whispers, "Child, bring it to me,
I hold the answers you're searching for"

You see, no matter where I have been
or how far deep in sin
and even though I may run to hide
Down in my heart, one thing I know
Jesus loves me, this is so
And He stands with arms open wide

If I but fall upon my knees
You hear my desperate plea
assuring me the answer's on the way

For in my hour of deep despair,
I call on You, You're always there
It's good to know You hear me when I pray.

So Much To Thank Him For

It's been a wonderful weekend to top off the week we had last week in Tennessee with the youth group. Brother Dervin Spears preached both services at church this weekend and it was absolutely MMmmmmmm, MMmmmmmmm, good!

There was a man that our church has prayed for, for a very long time, that came before church Sunday night and made his way to the men's prayer room. He came in wanting to get saved!!! How wonderful is that???!!!! What a great start to an already spectacular night!

Both sermons were good, but I was really moved during the evening sermon. Brother Spears preached on Where Are You in the Tabernacle? Are you in the outer room? Are you in the Holy Place? Or are you in the Holy of Holies. Wow.....good stuff there!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Saturday we were thankful to celebrate my daddy's sixty-fifth birthday. He wanted a hot dog supper with all the fixin's so mom indulged him on his day.

He didn't want a birthday cake either. He wanted mom's homemade banana pudding. She fixed a HUGE bowl of it too!


Once supper was over and the table was cleared, daddy was ready to dig into his birthday dessert.

There wasn't a spoon big enough for him!

We got tickled because there was no cake, no candles, and we forgot to sing Happy Birthday. He decided to sing it to himself. Bless his heart. LOL

My sweet mommy...

Unless there's something I know daddy needs or wants I usually get him things he can wear to dialysis. The nurses get tickled at his tshirts and pants. He always makes out he's embarrassed, but he loves the attention. LOL

I think he had a good birthday. It was nice being able to celebrate with him and know that God had granted us another year with him.

Daddy has been through a very rough few years. But God continues to bless him and see him through.

Isaiah 46:4 "And even to your old age I am he; and even to hoar hairs will
I carry you: I have made, and I will bear; even I will carry, and will deliver
you."

A Happy Father's Day

Last week was a lot of fun as we celebrated a week long of Father's Day with Bruce. He's such a wonderful husband and dad. He deserves a Happy Father's Day every day!

Bruce, I'm thankful the Lord saw fit for us to be together and that He has blessed us with a wonderful life. I love you.

We had a terrific Sunday. After a great sermon on God Needs A Man, we headed back to our house with mom and daddy for a Father's Day lunch.

I don't normally cook on Sunday but since Bruce loves my lasagna, I got up a little earlier than usual today and began preparing two pans, along with sides. Hannah made dessert and mom brought dessert too. The food was delish, but having my husband at one end of the table and my daddy at the other, made the day for me!

I was thinking of some special memories of when I was a child. I have always been a daddy's girl. It's a good thing I was the only girl because there would have been some serious rivalry going on.

But I have special memories of my dad. As a matter of fact, I began to list them and it just kept going and going. Where do I begin? Where do I stop? God has blessed me so much, giving me a Christian dad. A loving dad. There's not much he doesn't know about me. We've shared many talks through the years. Many opportunities of time spent one on one together. Trips, just the two of us. I have great memories that will last a life time.


I love you, daddy!

Thank you, Lord for the men in my life that you have blessed me with.

Proverbs 23:24 "The father of the righteous shall greatly rejoice: and he that begetteth a wise child shall have joy of him."

Daddy and Farewell to Church Family

Several of you in blog land or through emails have asked about daddy. He is doing very good. He was back at church and playing in the orchestra yesterday. It was good hearing him toot his horn. ha ha
Thank you, Katie, for taking our picture. :D


Last night we said goodbye to our Youth Pastor and his wife, Mrs. Liz. Mrs. Ava had Liz sit on the platform and honored her a moment by reading a poem, The Pastor's Wife.


Mrs. Ava gave her a Pastor's wife survival kit, which was both cute and funny, and also a packet of all the ladies Bible studies and fellowships we've had since she and Brother RJ came to the church to take the youth program.


And then Brother RJ preached a wonderful sermon. His last sermon as our Youth Pastor. I have always thought he was a tremendous preacher and I have no doubt he will do a good job behind the pulpit in Vermont.

Best wishes to Pastor and Mrs. Parris.

Where Is Your Father?

Mom and I went to see daddy yesterday, who, by the way, was doing great, especially after they gave him a roast beef sandwich at 7:30 PM after not having anything all day. Before going up to his room we decided to use the public restroom there in the hospital lobby.

A woman and her two small children came in and the conversation that took place between them cracked me up.

Child #1: Mommy, can I touch the toilet?
Mommy: No, you can't touch the toilet. But you can sit on it. (how that isn't touching it, I'll never know. Anyway...)
A few minutes later...
Child #1: Mommy, did you say I can touch the toilet?
Mommy: No, I said you can not touch the toilet.
Child #1: Mommy?
Mommy: Yes?
Child #1: I touched the toilet.
Mommy: Well don't touch it again. We'll wash your hands when you're finished.
Child #1: Mommy, my shoe fell off.
Mommy: Well put it back on.
Child #1: I can't reach it.
Mommy: Why not?
Child #1: Because I'm on the toilet.
Mommy: Then put it on when you get off.
Child #1: Will my foot get dirty?
Mommy: *sigh* Don't worry about your foot. We can wash it too.
Child #2: Mommy, I can't reach the sink.
Mommy: Well, here, I'll help you.
Child #2: Am I gonna sit on the counter?
Mommy: Yes, you are going to sit on the counter. You can reach the sink better that way.
Child #2: Mommy, what's that do?
(lights go off...pitch black in the bathroom)
Mommy: Turn the light back on!
Child #1: MOMMY! IT'S DARK
Child #2: *giggle*
Mommy: TURN THE LIGHT BACK ON!
Child #2: Ok
(lights back on)
(lights back off)
Mommy: Stop that! Turn it back on!
(lights back on)
(lights back off)
Mommy: I am not telling you again! Turn on that light!!
(lights back on)
Child #2: You're not fun.
Child #1: Mommy, I need to wash my hands because I touched the toilet.
Mommy: Where is your FATHER??

Moving To Charlotte

Daddy's blood work showed that he'd had a heart attack. Which would explain the symptoms he had been having Monday night. I'm guessing he had the heart attack Monday night since his night was so bad.

Anyway, they decided to move him to Charlotte so his heart doctors from Sanger clinic will be taking care of him.

When he calls mom to let her know he's leaving she'll pick me up and we'll meet him over there.

He has mentioned that he is tired and is considering coming off dialysis. Of course we all know what that would mean and so we don't want that to happen, but ultimately it is his decision.

That's all the update I have for now. Thank you for continued prayers!

Happy Birthday, Hannah

We celebrated my baby girl's 15th birthday yesterday. Here she is at age 1. She was playing and happy and having a good time and decided to cheese it up for the camera. I love this picture of her. She was so cute!


Wow. I know, right? I look like I'm having a great time, don't I? Gotta love how a camera will grab that very moment in time you wish it hadn't. Thanks, Bruce!


But then you can always make it capture a moment you want to remember.


Hannah got this gorgeous purse from her Grandmother last night. I have to say that I love it and am feeling a wee bit jealous over it. But you know....maybe Hannah will share it with me sometime.

And she got this hot pink flute too. She was online one day and found it and had a fit over it. So Bruce told her he would buy it for her if that's what she wanted. Mom and dad wanted to go in on it too. So we ordered it and it came, but she never knew it came. We just acted as though she wasn't going to get it by her birthday. She was a happy little girl when it was time to open presents.

Big daddy....little Hannah....hot pink flute

When everyone left, I took Hannah to see her grandpa in the hospital and we snuck him a very small piece of Hannah's birthday cake. See the hope I don't get caught all over his face??

Oh yes, I haven't told you yet, have I? Daddy was taken yesterday by ambulance to the hosptial for congestive heart failure. When we went to see him last night he was sitting up in bed in his jeans and henley shirt, talking with some friends of his. He was in very good spirits, laughing and cutting up. Giving them some words of encouragement about a situation they're going through. Just being daddy. Today they are doing his dialysis at the hospital and are talking of giving him a stress test today. I really don't want them doing that today since this is his dialysis day. I'm praying they'll change their minds and do it tomorrow. We'll see.

On the way to the hosptial we were flooded by rain. It was coming down in buckets, it seemed like to me. But once the rain stopped we looked up and saw this beautiful rainbow. It reminded me of all the promises God has made and that He has never once failed to keep those promises. He is good, all the time!