So here it is 1:16am and I'm up, can't sleep. What do you do when that happens? You blog. After all, it's been nearly two months since I blogged anything.
Here lately it seems the sleepless nights happen more frequently. Along with hot flashes, mood swings, and other weird symptoms of becoming an older woman.
I really haven't had any "burdens" on my mind, but it just seems that as soon as I lay down to sleep, no matter how tired I feel, I just can't seem to go to sleep. My mind begins processing things and thinking about things and I find myself carrying on hypothetical conversations with people. Something my dad used to do all the time. Usually while he was shaving in the mornings. Very interesting conversations, that man had.
Tonight I went to bed and just laid there, tossing and turning. So I figured if I was going to be this awake, why not be productive. Folding laundry and washing and drying more laundry seemed like a good idea. Cleaning counters and appliances was a good idea too. But here it is in the wee hours of the morning and I really, REALLY need the rest.
See, our youth group's summer camp was sadly cancelled. To make up for that, our church is giving them a mini camp for the next few days. They spent the night at the church tonight and I'll meet some other ladies in about five and a half hours to cook breakfast for them. They'll have a fun day of devotions with Brother Johnathan, volleyball, water games, and other sports, followed by lunch, some quiet time, getting showered and dressed for supper and then a chapel service led by one of our mission men, called to preach. It's going to be a really good day and I'm looking forward to it. Then early Friday morning they'll load the vans or bus and head out to Paramount Carowinds, an amusement park here in NC. I know they'll have a really good time.
I wish I could go. I LOVE, LOVE, LOVE riding rides. But my ankle would not make an entire day walking/running back and forth to different rides in the park. I was told about ten years ago I needed an ankle replacement. I've been putting it off and putting it off and it just seems like here lately it's getting worse and worse. I'm just about ready to make that first appointment and get the ball rolling on this. Really the only thing holding me back is the 20 week recovery. That's right. TWENTY weeks. Twelve weeks of NON-WEIGHT bearing recovery, followed by eight weeks of slow to intense therapy. In case you haven't done the math, that's five months. FIVE months. So just pray I'll make the right decisions about all of this and do it in God's perfect timing.
Over the last several months I've needed to scoot up a little closer to the Lord. I've been hurt by people close to me and my children have been hurt by others as well. At first I was just mad all the time. The flesh was very unruly. I had to earnestly pray and try desperately to ignore certain behavior. But one thing I learned through it all is that God is still good and God is still on the throne. What I THOUGHT I wanted Him to bless us with, He took away. But I didn't see that He took it away right off. All I saw as we were going through some things was a wall being built by human hands. It wasn't until later that I saw it was actually a hedge of protection God was building to protect my children and my family. It was THEN that God was able to move in MY heart and show me that MY wants are not always HIS wants. And that if I truly wanted HIS will for my life and the lives of my children, then I have to trust Him. So I purposed in my heart that's exactly what I'm going to do. Simply trust Him.
Since then, God has opened so many doors for my children in their lives. I've just sat back and watched the blessings pour out over them. It's been great just resting in the Lord and knowing He has everything in their lives...and mine...under His control.
I am so excited to see how God is orchestrating some things in our home right now. But again, I'm praying and trusting that His will be done and that whatever He chooses will be what I choose, because I want what HE wants.
It's never an easy thing to put our full trust in the Lord. But once it's there, man it's good. It's like it all just falls into place and usually like you never imagined...but BETTER!
Proverbs 3:5&6 comes to mind, "Trust in the Lord with all thine heart and lean not unto thine own understanding. In all thy ways acknowledge Him, and He shall direct thy paths."