Friday, October 8, 2010

The Second Hurdle

As we drove home from the hospital, the trip seemed much longer than the days before. At one time I looked up and honestly did not recognize anything around me. Even though I had driven that road many times before, everything seemed unfamiliar. I even wondered if I had taken a wrong turn somewhere. I had not eaten all day and felt my body had no strength at all. Like I might collapse at any moment. Bruce had told me to meet him at the Hillbilly's BBQ in Belmont. So I did. Daddy loved that place. It was one of his favorites. I should not have gone. I was an emotional mess. But sitting there actually helped a little. It was away from the hospital, away from daddy's house, away from my house, just a place to *breathe* and *regroup*, if I actually did that. I wasn't sure my legs were going to make this second hurdle. Bruce and I decided not to tell Hannah and Harrison until we could see them in person. So as I drove on to mom's house, Bruce came home to tell them. Mrs. Janet was busy in mom's kitchen, Mrs. Ava was bringing in some groceries she thought the family might need, and I was in a daze. I knew I needed to clean, but was not sure where to start. I just could not think clearly yet. Then Bruce showed up with Hannah and Harrison. Their little hearts were broken. "Big H" as daddy called him leaned into my arms and fell to pieces. Hannah, who never shows her emotions publicly, could not hold back her tears. How do you mend little broken hearts? We sat on the love seat and just held each other for a while. I cleaned here and there and then decided I did not want to clean anything else. I would do it in the morning. Friday night I laid in bed with my iPod. The song I played over and over was He Gives Grace. The words were so fitting for how I was feeling and such a reminder of what God will give us during times like these. I prayed that God would give me that grace and give it in abundance! I listened to it over and over again and every night through this whole ordeal. It was in those late night hours when the hustling and bustling of the day were over and I was alone to spend time with my Heavenly Father, that I was comforted the most. No questions were being asked, no stories were being told, no phones ringing, no doors to answer, no decisions to be made...just me and the Lord, His loving arms of comfort, and reminders of promises in His Word. When I got to mom's Saturday morning she had daddy's outfit laid on the bed ready to take to the funeral home. As I walked into the bedroom and saw his shirt, pants and blazer there, I began to cry again. He loved to dress up! Even during the church's Easter Parade he would walk across the platform to sport off his outfit. He was hilarious. He looked so handsome in his peach shirt mom bought him for Easter. I thought he was very handsome every time I saw him in it and asked mom could we put him in that for the funeral. She agreed and I am so glad she did. Mom's sister came and took her shopping to buy a new outfit for the funeral. While she and Hannah were with Aunt Jo Jo, I cleaned. It was good for me to be in the house alone. Many memories flooded my mind in each room of the house. He sure did love his home and he loved it when his family was around him there. John showed up and I was relieved when he did. I was feeling somewhat overwhelmed and really did not want to be there by myself any longer. Mom said that we would be meeting with the funeral director on Sunday afternoon. Not something I was ready to do. But then who is? Getting through Saturday was easy compared to the days ahead of us. Although Saturday is somewhat of a blur to me. It seemed as though time was flying. One minute it was morning and the next it was almost midnight. The people, the food, the just all seemed to run through each other. We had planned on going to church Sunday morning and then to the funeral home to make the arrangements Sunday afternoon. I was not sure God could get me through the next day ahead. When it was time for bed Saturday night, I was ready, once again, for that time alone with God that I so desperately needed.